October 11, 2002
October 11, 2002
Judgments can demoralize and rip out the heart of a person as surely as if they had torn a page from Osama Bin Ladenís terroristsí notebook. The first, second, and third, definition in the Webster Unabridged Dictionary for the word judgments gives it the authority to compare facts and decide upon the outcome. However, the fifth definition opinion; notion and the sixth: criticism or censure and the eight definition: justice or right grant conclusions without facts. These definitions should be deleted from the American vocabulary as un-American as a terroristic mindset.
More people are damaged by opinions based on the notions of the Judger who, more often, is the faulty one or they wouldn't even come to the conclusions that they jump to censor. Clients, friends and especially teachers weep as they tell me how distraught they are when they are wrongly accused. Evidence is ignored and opinions take over.
I will use Veteran teachersí experience as an example because so many have been accused of failing to bring their students up to the Stateís potential. These same teachers have complained to me that they are expected to watch each individual child, give solace to each one, teach the class, prepare lessons, prepare the room and walls, maintain a clean classroom at all times, and maintain a quiet atmosphere regardless of the emotional needs of a child due to his/her home life or the national crisis which is creating financial and fearful stresses within the community.
Yet despite the facts that many of the multiple jobs the teacher is requested to accomplish, and which should be accomplished by teacherís aids, counselors, and janitors, the notion that s/he is a teacher, and must perform by showing the end results of good grades in all her students, prevails. A notion by administrators that does not take into account that there is but twenty-four hours in one day; that one person can only be in one place at one time; and can only perform one action at one time and cannot be three people at one time. The accusations damage the self esteem and efficacy of the instructor who is attempting to be all and do all the feats simultaneously and successfully.
Therefore, based on an incorrect notion one can make an incorrect judgment.
In cases where people judge the moral behavior of another, they are more often reflecting their notion of life, rather than the facts of the other persons life. So judgment based on inaccurate ďtruthsĒ can burn the heart of the one accused.
In that manner, what is said is criticism based on the opinion of the accuser. One must question why another would jump to destroy the mental peace of someone. In the case of teachers, it appears to me to be political in nature based on fear rather than good sense. After all if we denigrate our teachers, what example do our children have to follow as they watch their beloved teachers shake with fear?
And the rest of the citizenry who make judgments based on their reflection of themselves? Do they need to feel in the right so badly that deprecating a friend or a loved one makes them feel better? So many people appear to need to push someone else down in order to step on the head of another in order to feel good. Lastly, striking out against another because of the hurt the injurer feels is meant for him/her can be the most damaging because the hurt needs to be vocalized as such, not turned into a weapon of destruction.
What can be done to wipe out our terroristic-type declarations toward each other?
1. Ask yourself if this is any of your business. If it is, ask questions first and listen to the answers. If you do not believe what you hear, then search for the truth in a non judgmental manner.
2. Stay mute if your opinion is based on your own life style. It might be better to search yourself for wrong doing, rather than the other person. You might find more answers.
3. What gives you the Right? Are you in a position of authority? If so, all the more reason that you monitor your reasons and justifications for your actions before you speak, making certain that your requirements can be met by any one human.
Be on guard that Osama Bin Ladenís thought process does not overcome our wonderful freedom, for then he has won the battle from the inside out and need bomb no further.
You canít blame a mirror for the reflection that it gives you. Mirrors accurately reflect the image before them. Neither can you accept the blame of someone else's reflection of their actions directed towards you as if it is your image.
Too often false denunciations wound an innocent person as I discussed in the former column on judgments. The problem becomes for the victim, ďHow can I get past the hurt?Ē I am not addressing accurate assessments of faulty behavior, here, but inaccurate accusations based on incorrect, incomplete, or opinionated information. The owners of the indictments often want to hurt the accused. They are either jealous, feel that life has dealt them a dirty blow, or feel that the victim has stepped on their undelineated boundaries. Sometimes these people make a habit of denigrating others and are avoided by the surrounding population thereby confirming for themselves that they are indeed correct in attacking anyone who crosses their path.
So how do you overcome the hurt that they have passed on to you? For one thing, ďDonít give them the power to hurt you.Ē They want you to be hurt. By being hurt you fall into their trap. Donít grant them that right.
Realizing that this is their scheme can help to ameliorate your feelings. Some clients donít want to give up the hurt because they irrationally decide that if they do the memory will no longer exist, and in some manner that (in their mind) washes the abuserís sins. Therefore they continue to suffer while the perpetrator is entirely free to continue his/her sins against the population. Washing away your own damage does not wash away your memory of it. It only cleanses your own wound so that you may heal yourself.
However let us surmise that you cannot and will not give up the horror that you have lived through for the reasons outlined in the proceeding paragraph. Then ask yourself: Do you like the way you feel? Do you want to feel that way for the rest of your life? In reliving the trauma, are you feeling more and more abused? Is this not allowing that person to control your life and behavior way beyond the original incident?
Instead of allowing another control over your thoughts and actions, why not throw away the emotionally charged reactions. Thatís right! Make believe that you have a large garbage pail and dump those feelings in it.
If you believe in God, then imagine a sunbeam of light directly from the heavenly clouds coming down. Put all your trouble on an imaginary elevator platform and send them all to a higher plane. Then do what you need to do to correct the otherís action. That might be, calling the police, writing a letter to a helpful source, or getting legal advice, or simply refusing to be in that personís company.
Negative feelings often prevent the necessary behavior to correct the situation from taking place.
Some counselors insist you must forgive in order to heal yourself. Forcing yourself to be forgiving often hinders the process. It is the last thing that a victim wishes to do. When there is understanding the process unfolds without outside pressure towards a natural effect of exoneration. You will experience it in your heart when you are ready and only when you are prepared to accept it. You need do nothing more to create forgiveness. It will come about when you are ready and not before.