October 20, 2009
October 20, 2009
Delivery of Needs
The marker of a good marriage is: each progressively improves as a person. If there is no personal growth, the marriage is not working. If the marriage is bringing out the worst sides of you, the marriage is a complete failure. It either individual utilizes huge efforts and that does not normalize it, then it needs to be eliminated before it emotionally or physically detonates.
For example: Some folks feel disregarded, disrespected, ignored, unloved, un-cared for, etc. which results in screaming, yelling, or physically confronting a loved one. This does not lead to any long term positive results. Instead, the venting may release the pressure of frustration and the resulting anger, but usually the problem still remains only is proportionally larger.
Women more frequently are guilty refusing to confront the issues as they state: ”I don’t want to hurt his feelings.” Eventually the issue festers until there is no containing it and then the outburst is un-constrainable.
Initially, most situations would be settled if addressed immediately. However, some individuals have not learned how to deliver a positive message in a calm non-confrontational manner.
The delivery of ones needs can either worsen the complaint or help it. Obviously when someone loses their temper, they want a change. Thinking first about how you will present your hurt feelings must also be tempered with the personality of the individual to which you are speaking.
In general, women tend to vent their feelings while men tend to disregard, hide, or run away from a conflict with their mates,
Most females decide that their significant other does not love them when this occurs. Males react more favourably when positive factual aspects of needs are presented which often solves the difficulty. Stop and think about what you really want. Addressing the issue with the understanding that many males will be confused if you say you want loving attention, but not groping. The confusion will result in anger because the male is processing the comment differently than his mate. Love and sex in a relationship are one for the majority of men. A much more specific message must be made: “I love you. I miss you. I would like a kiss and a hug when you come home. I wish that we could follow through with more than that, but because I have not finished my work of household chores and helping the kids with their homework, that most pleasant part has to be put on hold.” There are very few men that would not respond favourably to that message. Those that do not may be holding a grudge from past unpleasant exchanges. If this is the case the situation may require a different solution.
Seek counseling if your marriage has gone into overdrive from negative messages which need to cease. Loving specific, clear messages accomplish an improved outcome. Be creative. Controlling blasting emotions brings a much better result. Thoughtful discussions do create beneficial results. Speaking from the caring self rather than the angry one makes a more harmonious relationship.