January 11, 2017
January 11, 2017
How many of my audience have been hurt by another's action, behavior, or comment?
It is not the behavior, action or comment that actually damages us. It is our response that we tell ourselves that distress us. We judge who we are by what the world thinks of us.
Very few people can hold on to what their core beliefs are when deluged with negative reactions. I will comment more on that later. Right now I want to concentrate on the stories individuals tell themselves when confronted with adverse opinions.
A husband has an affair. The wife feels ashamed that she was unable to keep her man happy. She feels that she is not pretty enough, not scintillating enough, not good enough. She loses her self-confidence.
The spouse does not view the mate as making poor choices. Why should he have decided to reject his marriage vows? Could he have instead inform her that he had a problem with some aspects of the marriage? What if the marriage is just fine, but the male wants variety or excitement that marriage does not allow?
Yet, the female continues to destroy her own sense of self. She loses trust in him and often loses trust in most of humanity. Mostly she loses trust in herself. She questions how she could have chosen so poorly?
Many times the significant other is more than willing to blame his wife for his indiscretion. This contributes to a further destruction of the wife's ego.
Self-Analysis is needed to regain her self esteem. Could she have contributed more positively? She needs to be realistic. No one is perfect. If she acted reasonably caring most of the time, did he also do the same?
A better way in which to judge oneself, is to ask oneself:
After evaluating oneself, decide if you are responsible for any discord. However, still be aware that his choice of handling the situation was unfair to you.
- Have I performed in a manner in which I am proud?
- Have I been supportive when he needed it?
- Have I kept peace and harmony in the relationship?
- Have I tried to confront issues in order to find solutions?
- Did I have the intention to hurt or discredit him?
- What type of person do I want to be?
It is never the victim's fault for the aggressor's actions. The husband should act maturely and present his grievances so that the wife can correct them. If, the male has no grievances, but follows his licentious desires, it is his failure to alert his wife of his desires. In either case, his immature behavior is his alone and is not her responsibility.
Unfortunately, men often do not act maturely and women accept the reflection that they are at 100% fault for his actions.
When a male does act maturely it allows the wife to maintain her dignity. She, then can choose how she wants to react to the adverse information.
The wife may still accept responsibility for the situation. If that is the case, she must review who she is and what she stands for. She should not accept another's actions or words to decide who she is.
I have used unfaithfulness to stand for, any attack on ones judgement, behavior, or opinion. Self-assessment is necessary to withstand and refuse the negative reflection cast towards you.
One word of warning, if your opinion of yourself is rejected by a large number of spectators, review your self-review again. Perhaps there is some truth in the accusation. This warning applies only to an insignificant part of the population, but for those who qualify, do take a second look at your self-assessment.