November 18, 2005

WOMEN ARE ADULTS
Women are adults. Adults do not need supervision or protection. Children need supervision and protection. Women are capable of protecting themselves. However, our society has convinced women that they are weak and must have a companion before they can venture out to an event or travel.

I have had hotel personnel insist that they saw me with someone when I check into a hotel or when I am being seated for dinner. I find this rather amusing that our society has developed the illusion to such an extent that individuals are seeing things. Sometimes I whimsically wonder if my deceased husband has materialized because the consigner is so insistent on his illusion.

Women will tell me how brave I am to go alone on vacations. There is nothing brave about it. There is nothing to fear. I go with a tour group merely because they provide medical attention should I need it, and take care of scheduling and my luggage for me. I also do not put myself in situations or places which are perilous. A male should be as careful. He is in just as much danger if he foolishly puts himself in harms way.

Fear prevents women from acting responsibly to protect themselves and their children from a rampaging male. Fear prevents women from believing in themselves to seek an advanced education. Rape specialists even state that if a woman makes too much noise and too must of a fuss, the Rapist moves on to an easier victim.

Fear also creates the victim mind set which filters into life as a lowered sense of self esteem.

Yesterday, I had an interesting conversation with a woman who had an identical experience as I when she was a teenager. We both had a young man whom we had a crush on, who become enraged when we refused his advances and began to strangle us. We both reacted to the situation with, "Well you better kill me, because that is the only way you will get what you want." In my case that did not completely deter the fellow who was keeping my hands and legs busy warding him off. I, then bit him as hard as I could because that was the only defense I had left to use. He finally took me home, unharmed. Neither of us felt as if we were victims, because we did not have the victim mentality that we had no power. We had power and we used it.

Women have been denuded of the power to say "No." "I don't like that." "I don't want to do that."

Women need to practice, "That is your choice of ____ (fill in the blank with-car, house, dining room set, etc.) not mine. Let's make a choice that we both agree upon."

Women need to establish boundaries and maintain them regardless of the short term emotional discord in order to establish long term balance and harmony in their lives. Women need to weigh the pros and cons of a relationship. Violence, immoral or illegal behavior exhibited by a male is never acceptable no matter how much you love him or need him. If your needs are what is keeping you in a deviant relationship, work on your own self esteem and rights as a person. Reach out to the social services which are available for women. The Victims Information Bureau and Brighter Tomorrows were established just for that purpose. Women have to stop trying to be responsible for other people's hurt feelings. If someone has wronged you, then they have to be responsible for their actions, not you. I've suggested "When I Say No Feel Guilty" by Manuel Smith, Ph.D. before. It is one of the most valuable tools for assessing your rights and establishing assertive skills that are not offensive or aggressive. Being a woman can be an adult.

If any of this column seems to fit you, please begin progressing to adult hood right away. Good luck.