December 5, 2021
Children Are Not Pets


AS A COUNSELOR I NOTICE THAT SOME PARENTS TREAT THEIR CHILDREN AS IF THEY WERE PETS.

Pets are loved, cared for, feed, protected. All that is expected of them is to be loyal and love us back. We do not want them to ever leave us and grieve when they have to leave this earth.

So often, children are brought up in the same manner. They are pampered: given toys. When they do well in school the parents reward them with expensive gifts. The child believes that they are pleasing their parent when they bring home good grades. The child loses sight of the reason they need schooling is to be able to survive in our culture. The child's goal is to please their parent. The child's goal should be to further ones dream of a future career.

Both the parent and the child have lost sight of the purpose for the future: to be able to independently survive.

We do not want pets to ever leave our home. However, we want our children to establish their own homes with their own progeny.

Unfortunately, Child/Adults brought up as pets, never want to leave home either.

We do not want our pets to hunt. That would make them independent of us.
We do want our grown kids to (hunt) (work) as that will give them independence to survive after we die.

For example, When my kids were infants, they were told that they must ask permission to play with the other sibling's toys.
They were sad when the permission was not granted, but were told that you do not take the property of others because that is called stealing. Stealing will land you in Jail which is a place where you are not allowed to play or see your parents. (it is necessary to explain in children's terms what Jail is. That word means nothing to a small child.) Therefore, a child learns to respect the property of others and the laws of our community. It also prevents a good deal of discord and fighting because they have learned to respect each other. They also learned compassion because one child would feel sorry for the sad child and let him/her play with it. (Mission accomplished without anger and hostility).

When I was seven years old, I asked my father what a word meant. He told me to look it up in the dictionary. I said "I do not know how to do that." He said, "You know the alphabet don't you? The words are listed alphabetically." After whining a bit, I began and continued to be able to read unassisted by an adult.

Dad never directed me to be moral. Instead he pointed out the consequences of the townspeople around me whose lives were not successful. He stated what mistakes they had made that ruined their lives. I was determined that I would not make those mistakes and I did not make them.

It is the consequences of real life situations that a child needs to assimilate for him or herself so that no one can lure them into dangerous or damaging situations. Once the child has made that decision for his/her own future; no one can lure them into the wrong act.

Protecting children from the minor consequences of the mistakes they make, creates a false sense of security. The now grown adult feels betrayed and bitter. Anger and resentment that life is not easy; only intensifies as the coping mechanisms of their brain which are on an off position, leaving them defenseless against the trails of life.

One BoyScout father whose profession was engineering, made the airplane for his son and won the competition. His son was given credit for the effort which he never put forth. The son learned to skate by thinking that his life would automatically be wonderful. What a shock! He is incapable, today, of holding a job.

Parents tell me that they have been unsuccessful to prevent their child from overuse of the phone. The removal of the phone, because life requirements are not accomplished, is an option. Make the consequences in teen years, the same as in life. Trying to physically remove the phone from his.her hands is a battle you will lose. Since the parent is paying for the phone from his/her salary, take the phone out of the teen's name.

If the battle is over too much TV viewing, take the fuse out of the fusebox if turning off the TV only results in it being turned back on again, hide the fuse if necessary.

When you state lifetime consequences, follow through with them. That is a lesson, if not learned in teen years, results in losing one's house because the mortgage payment was overlooked. Or similar disasters that could be avoided had the children been taught to deal with life.
Life can be a continual game with your kids. When they are in 1st grade, ask them what do they want to be when they grow-up. If it is a Fireman, ask the what would they need to know to fight fires? You can help with some skill suggestions as reading and writing reports about how a fire started.
As they become older and their choice of careers change. The discussion can be: "Do you think you might need college for that? Or Trade School? What do you think you might need to do to obtain that vision?"

If there is a problem of limited money available, let them know. Discuss the various ways to obtain financing: scholarships summer jobs, obtaining college related work, government grants.

My son knew at a very young age that money was in short supply. He studied and read every page of the children's encyclopedia .. Hardships can be turned into strong motivation.

Coercing children to do homework either through discipline or rewards creates the impression that parents have a stake in that child's future. Instead of allowing the child to direct his/her own decisions.

Choices for them should be based on consequences that one will experience as an adult.

When parents are asked what they want for their offspring; the response is HAPPINESS, SUCCESS.

Adults are happy when they are successful.

Creating the ability to solve problems independently, and achieve perseverance and work habits that the child determines are important is accomplished by allowing the consequences of their actions to teach them.

Hard lumps from the consequences of life, not beating, not bribing or rewarding, but allowing them to learn that if they do not do their homework they get left back and their friends go on to a grade higher. To remind them that they would feel embarrassed and ashamed if that happened. I found that it was not necessary to hover over my children or check their homework, if it was not completed, they knew the consequences of real life and they did their homework.

My children are retired now. They were and are successful and happy. They are because they did it with their own efforts.