February 19, 2012
Why Fight?
Fight or flight are primal instincts whenever we are hurt, frustrated, demeaned, or damaged in any way emotionally or physically. How do we fight when we do not want to go to jail for our actions and do not want to kill the person that we love? ; even though, at the moment of anger, we actually feel the need to act on our emotions. Therefore, many of us vent. Venting takes the form of making insulting scathing remarks along with a number of obscenities. However, if this is the manner in which you react, question yourself as to the consequences of your reaction. Does the result fit your overall needs? It seldom does. It causes distance and eventually a a compete break-off of the relationship. This can be remedied by learning better communication skills. Firstly. one needs time to cool off. I have suggested several options in other articles, such as imagining a huge stop sign so that the next alternative action may be put in place, then: going for a walk, working out; writing down what upset you and why you are upset, what your goal in the relationship is, and locating the main issue. Next, giving your journal to the loved one and asking for a return thoughtful written answer.

Try the Behavior, Feeling, Effect messages which identify the issue with the description of Behavior which is the only time that the word “you” should be used. Then, the feeling is expressed in the first person “I” such as “ I feel abandoned when you do not spend time with me.” Lastly the Effect must be described because leaving the effect out prevents the listener (or reader if written) from understanding in what order to prioritise the message. The last part of the Effect might be” I am turned off by your lack of interest in me and feel cold toward you when you spend time with other interests instead of me.”

Our culture has taught us to not express the negativity, but our culture seldom prevents the breakthrough of hostile behavior that accompanies the negative feelings (which in this example is abandonment) that eventually leads to the destruction of a relationship.

Relationships survive real and honest verbal intercourse much better than full blown raging fights. Often, when this type of clear remarks are made, hurt feelings are minimal or non-existent. Then, plans to avoid future upsets can be made with clear heads.