March 30, 2007

Control
Usually we concentrate on the victim of a controller. This article is going to address the issues that make up the composite of an individual that controls. It can be a male or female. However, it is usually more flagrantly a male. You might ask, “Why is that?” The male is generally stronger, and usually in control of the major amount of resources. Also women who love have a great deal of the neurotransmitter Oxytocin that activates nurturing, loving feelings, and loyalty. The cultural dictates of which the majority of women are unaware determine that a woman not make waves. (In a past column, I described a New York State pamphlet that was published that described the attributes of being a lady, which I found after my mother in law died. As I recall the date was about 1895 or thereabouts. It stated that a Lady never says “No”. I recalled that My Mother in law never said, ”No”. She said “Wouldn’t you rather...” She would repeat that phrase until we found what she wanted and until then it was,”Wouldn't you rather?... “ I put that in the context of today's society. What if she were being raped? Do you think the attacker would rather go to a movie, take a walk, etc.? I laughed over it, but it made me so aware of the many times that I have acquiesced for peace and harmony rather than make a scene or have an argument. It made sense to me that women give in more frequently than men rather than fight for their rights.)

As promised; lets explore why the controller demands acquiescence to all his opinions and insists behavior conform to those attitudes. The controller may be 6 foot and 250 pounds, but he hurts. He is anxiety ridden that he will lose the person whom he loves. He does not love himself and therefore, believes that his companion could not possibly love him He may have had affairs and is convinced that his mate would do the same. He is resolute in his belief and has great difficulty shaking his illusions of being betrayed. Frequently he is also a substance abuser which aids him to escape the horrible misery of feeling abandoned and alone. He generally has come from a malfunctioning background. The neurotransmitter reaction is “Cortisol” from the stress his imagination creates. His reaction to his stress is to hide in or with addictive behaviors or fight by striking out at the person whom he decides no longer loves him or a combination of the two. He lives in fear and denies that he is afraid of anything. Think about what a frightened animal will do when it is cornered. It strikes.

He is the victim of his past and insists he is not culpable. His wife/lover/mate is responsible for his actions.

In order to resolve problems, one must understand the underlying causes and correct them.

Both parties need help. No matter what gender you are seek the aid you need to improve your self image. Everyone will be happier.