April 11, 2003


LONELINESS

Loneliness, I read, is predominant among at least seventy percent of the population. Loneliness is a state of mind. One can be lonely in New York City where there are millions of people. One can be lonely in the Australian Outback where you are just one person surrounded by nature. One can be lonely in a relationship that doesn’t satisfy your needs. However, one can never be lonely if one is engaged in the process of living and being grateful for what you have, enjoying nature, projects, music, other people, activities, reading, etc. There is so much to do, so much to learn. Then, there is no time for loneliness. What is loneliness, if people can not stave it off? Loneliness is a state of mind. It is the expectation that someone other than yourself can make your life happy and complete.

The illusion that there must be a perfect “fit” in a relationship that will fill the empty void within you. Loneliness is the rejection of yourself. One can never be lonely as long as you have yourself. People look at me oddly when I tell them that. They are ready to argue that fact right up to their grave, and therefore guaranteeing that they will be lonely no matter who or how many one has in ones life. They will say I wasn’t lonely when the children were home. I say, “I’ll bet you were too busy to have time to consider that you were lonely.” “Exactly”, the answer jumps out at me. “However, it was not the abundance of people that restrained the loneliness, but the continual projects that they created that prevented the loneliness.”

Try asking yourself. “What do I want to do that I was unable to do, because there was no time available to do it?” Or ask yourself a number of questions until you discover a motivation for living. “What am I interested in that is fun, that is worthwhile, that gives to others, that adds beauty to my life, that adds excitement,etc,etc,?“ You've got the idea, now?

Once you find the hobby, life style, career, or purpose in life, you then create a plan to follow through and accomplish it. This might bring up other unresolved issues, such as not allowing yourself to accomplish that which makes you happy. (More on this in another column. It is too large a concept to include it here). Every day I wake up to an empty house that is filled with objects which I enjoy. They may have been given to me as a gift, or I may have picked them up for a nominal amount somewhere in my travels. The main thought here is they are what gives me pleasure when I look at them. Happiness leaves no room for loneliness.

Next, I plan my day around activities that will enhance my health such as gardening which also brings me and all those who pass by pleasure. One lady was admiring the flowers and I invited her to walk amongst the areas where she questioned what the name of that “perfect bud” was. (They were yellow roses.) She was in awe of their beauty. Health concerns adhered to, I then go on to take care of the demands of living, food shopping, Doctor, or Dentist appointments. Tai Chi is another health related activity which I enjoy because the moves are similar to a graceful dance. I began it because I could dance alone by practicing it.

Depending on the day: I may write a column, see clients, cook myself dinner to last for the entire week,or go for lunch at the last minute with a friend. Flexibility is my standard. My day may change at any moment, depending on a phone call from a friend or a client wanting an appointment. Gratitude, Flexibility,Happiness, Accepting the challenge of mastering life, and mainly the acceptance of your condition at this moment in history will wipe away loneliness. Try it!