April 25, 2009

Self Esteem
Without self esteem an individual can not function properly in life. Low self esteem effects ones functioning on the job, in the home, and in relationships.

Unfortunately, many people limp along feeling worthless, useless, and unable to create a new life because they lack the motivation that they can actually develop a new self.

Self esteem is tied to ones ego needs which come from ones personality and from the environment in which they were nurtured. Often in relationships individuals are required or coerced (willingly though love or through fear and threats) to develop contrary to their original life force. This subjugation causes feelings of helplessness, and worthlessness. Women often give completely of themselves to satisfy their mate and their children, men are not as likely to do this, but some do. Whenever, one upsets the balance of the ego needs the seeds of discontent are sown. Just as seeds take time to grow into maturity, the stifling of the self festers and often is not felt in full force for many years. It may surface in bits and pieces as snide remarks, oppositional behavior and so forth, but when it erupts, it is as if volcanic rumblings have blasted forth.

In the past women have allowed others to overstep their boundaries. Modern women fear this to such an extent that they often react by being on the attack continually. There needs to be a balance between ones needs and other people’s needs. I often say to my clients I wish that I could mix and match couples. for example, a female in one marriage does not like constant attention and a female in another marriage requires fawning over her constantly while the mate to each is not meeting the ego needs of that woman. If I could only take the male who wishes to adore his wife continually with the wife who needs that attention, and have the male who is distant team up with the other wife who needs space we’d have a perfect match. Another example is one spouse wants to have a tight extended family unit, while the other has no such desire and is even turned off by the ceaseless family events. I’ve witnessed the break-up of such marriages, only for the remarriage to another that enjoys family unity to be delighted with their union.

What about the person who is left drained by being in a situation that does not honor his/her soul? That individual needs to work on finding and doing some rewarding activities. Then honoring his or herself with acknowledgement that s/he is worthwhile. The honoring part is the most important aspect of this concept. It is often the most difficult, because these poor souls have totally bought into the thought pattern that they are worthless. It takes a great deal of effort and often guidance from a counselor in order to establish a better insight.

If the issues began in childhood with negative messages about themselves, one needs to identify the thoughts that one internalized as belonging to oneself. Then replace those ideas with factual information that is presently true.

If the loss of self, developed from a poisonous relationship, one needs to remove oneself from it and find an exciting challenge to concentrate on and do. An activity that will bring respect from the majority of the population.

The above is the plan, but often to work the plan the guidance of a counselor moves one into a happiness mode much more quickly than trying to struggle with these efforts by oneself.