April 29, 2006
April 29, 2006
I hear these comments everywhere: “Marriage should be easy.” “My spouse should want to spend every moment with me.” “My spouse is emotionally involved with someone else. They are not having sex, but they are connected.” “Sex has lost it’s spark.” “ We don’t want to have children now. We want to have time for ourselves.” Those comments reflect a self-centered “Me-Me-Me-” concern that does not reflect family values or even caring for the partner, but an all consuming addiction to the pursuit of happiness. It is a reflection of the frustration that the illusion of the right to have “and they lived happily ever after” when they said their vows, granted them the right to dictate to everyone their concept of a lifestyle that would make them happy. Since everyone's concept of what would make their day is different it would help if they checked with each other to see if they agree on the same issues. Instead “Love” is supposed to be the magic glue. “Love” in that context appears to be some ethereal matter that the controller/demander clings to as the object of his/her desires with a cement-like grip from which others run the other way.
Marriage is giving and is not unilateral. Since two people marry, two people need to cooperate, communicate what disagreements they have without malice, and continue to deal with situations as a problem, not as a personal vendetta. Marriage is also a merging of kinship, but a majority of today’s populace see independence more important than harmony and supportive family ties. In order to accomplish the latter, one has to ignore what appears to be from the in-laws ( and may well be, meant ) a great deal of insulting behaviour. One has to find creative ways in which to address -if possible- the hurts which develop from this type of stance. Often (if family coherence is important to you) one must find a way to view the happenings with humour, with understanding and with tolerance.
For a culture that wants everything NOW, it sets a standard o : bearing no responsibility for the consequences of their actions, so therefore, everything should go according to their rules (which they feel they have a right to change midstream if the game does not go their way) with a disregard of family ties.
Reread the previous chapters and ask yourself at what age of child developmental stages does this type of behaviour appear? The culture is dangerously moving toward the majority of adults who have arrested development during the teen age years.
The refusal to listen to the older generation’s wisdom from life’s experiences is similar to throwing away diamonds as if they were charcoal. The disinterest extends to the spouse which leads the partner to look elsewhere for emotional support and caring. Many persons are not even healthy connected to themselves and therefore can not fill their own or anyone else's emotional vacuum. Love prevents proper assessment of character analysis to determine if the relationship is workable.
One has to give to receive. That is the oldest adage in history. Giving of oneself is sometimes painful, especially when it is not recognised. What if you give constantly and your mate still has gone off? Perhaps the relationship never dealt with the differences of each party and no effort was made to unify and satisfy the needs of the other. Perhaps this union was never meant to be because it was based on the premise that “Love” conquers all. That “Love” requires no quality time, no supportive listening, no effort at all.
Ask yourself if this makes sense. Ask your mate to accept you as you are. Make modifications with each other to refine this into a working association. Include the in-laws as much as possible by listening to their lifestyles. You don’t have to agree with everything. Just don’t fight about it. Agree to disagree. Or if that is not possible, find a way to internalize a more positive perspective towards them.
I am assuming that the demography of which I speak is normal and has a moral code of behaviour. The group which I am addressing are good kind people at heart who have allowed themselves to be led done a fantasy path which in reality is a destructive approach to peace and harmony.
Ask yourself at what age are your developmentally. At what age is your mate? At what age are your in-laws? Is it possible to develop communication skills with any of them? If not, is there a way to ignore the interference, arrogance or whatever other objectionable behaviour they exhibit? Maturing and accepting responsibility for unifying your marriage and your family is a mutual chore. It is at times unpleasant and unappreciated work. Have you the maturity to discard the illusions and deal with reality?
If so, you will have the satisfaction of a supportive family life-style, but it will feel as if it is at the expense of some of your freedom. It is essential to remember that if you make the choice to do this, you have not lost your freedom because it is your choice to harmonize. That is what America is all about; we have the choice to melt into a cohesive whole, yet allowing the wonderful differences to spark our creativity to become the strongest nation in the world. However, if we fall apart on the minuscule level of individuals incapable of solving the small problems, then how can we solve the large ones of our country?
Often when we can not solve our own problems we become crusaders accusing and judging all the others around us: those directly involved in our life and those who structure our life. Try offering positive thoughtful solutions to your immediate and extended family, and to our government.
Our culture has become one of judging and ripping apart. What will be left if we continue this procedure? Rebuilding and repairing needs to start at every level. Reality brings growth. Growth brings maturity. Life may be uncomfortable at times, but that discomfort is just a nudge to let you know that you are headed in the wrong direction. If you don’t know how to proceed, find a community service that will aid you. Our era has available every type of aide that is needed. Make use of it.
Good Luck. Growing hurts. That is just the way of the world. Trying to force a fantasy mold on the world backfires. Negotiating with it will finally bring the peace and harmony that we all desire.
Imagine what united committed political parties could accomplish!; if they worked as a team with co-operative communication on the macro level. Vying for the best interests of America would automatically create a better party system which voters would certainly, then, express their gratitude by selecting the party which produced the best results.
Remember,*“United we stand Divided we fall.”