July 2, 2009
July 2, 2009
TEAM WORK -Co-ordination
Today's young married couples have become self-sufficient and independent. That is the upside to maturity.
However, when people marry they must learn to share, compromise and take turns. What works well for singles does not work well for couples. Often financially independent persons believe that co-ordinating their activities includes asking permission which reminds them of their childhood creating resentment towards each other. One or both of the partners perceive going out for the night without their mate as their right for being employed successfully, not realizing that they have left a family member at home with nothing to do because they have spontaneously made unilateral plans.
Any person who has shared a room mate at college knows the value of letting the roommate know their plans so that the roomee can make his/her schedule also. Therefore, it has nothing to do with asking permission of each other, but rather co-ordinating plans so that each can enjoy the night.
For example, instead of asking if you can have a boys/girls night out you need to let the other individual know that an event is planned so that can s/he also plan an event to enjoy life.
The problem that develops with this manoeuvre is that the romantic concept that you married to be together forever because you (are supposed to anyhow - it is assumed) love each others company so much that you want to be as one each and every day in every place and activity. This becomes a huge drawback to the mature mates who are accustomed to ordering one’s life as they see fit without sharing the time with anyone. Of course if both parties agree that oneness in every activity is the goal, then there is no issue. Unfortunately, this is not foreseen while courting because the very aspect of courting is the intensity of trying to find the time to be together while living in separate and often distant residences.
The romantic aspiring part of the couple needs to communicate the desire to continue the honeymoon. The other half needs to clarify a need for some space. This is best done by the art of Active Listening which I have written extensively about in other articles. Please refer to them. Primarily is it putting yourself in the shoes of the other and identifying those emotions that are blocking the way to taking turns or compromise. When and if a crag mire develops then an objective party such as a counselor can always help get past the impass.