August 29, 2003


The Destructiveness of Fear

I observed a dog who was being mistreated by its owner to the extent that the mutt curled back his lips so that his teeth created a menacing grin, his body hunched into an upside down U and his tail swung between his legs whenever the owner approached. I asked for possession and obtained it, bringing the animal to my farm in New Jersey. However, no matter what I did to win the canine’s confidence the response was the same. The cur was unable to adapt to the new set of circumstances. It was unable to function in any capacity that was worth living for itself or for its keeper. Fear reactions caused fear for my family that out of fear the dog might attack. I had to have him put to sleep.

Fear is not attractive. The emotion is meant as a biological response to protect the individual from harm by creating a cautious approach to a situation viewed as dangerous. This chemical reaction in ones body can sometimes create more problems than it solves, especially when the perception is incorrect.

The above example has nothing to do with human events. It is presented so that the fear concept is not colored by ones personal experiences and therefore misunderstood.

The point that I am making is that the perception that there is something to fear causes an unpleasant reaction from others, and most especially among human relationships. Take for instance an insecure mate who fears that the partner will cheat or is cheating on him/her. Many a client relates to me that s/he has lost several relationships with irrational jealousy. Also,there are long term marriages in which a mate begins to suspect that someone else is in-between them.

Not feeling worthy of keeping the mate for whatever reasons one has, creates insecurity and the resulting fear shows as continuous nagging with objectionable controlling remarks: “Where were you?” “Why did it take you so long to get home?” “What did you do today?” “Why are you wearing that outfit?” That unpleasantness signals the end of your partnership whether or not there is a third party interfering.

If you are relating to this article, then work on improving yourself, and creating an atmosphere of love and caring. To use the metaphor of planting a seed (the ambiance) one knows that sunlight, fertile dirt, and water are needed for growth. Create that atmosphere. Assess yourself. Is a major component missing? Perhaps you are just insecure. Ask yourself: “Am I lacking self esteem?” If so work on it.

Assess your marriage. Attempt to be certain that your evaluation is justified, but not with questions that tear another person’s self-esteem into shreds. If you have self-worth you know that you are of value and that your partner is throwing this away; then the lack of character is with the other, not you. There would be no question as to your action if convinced that the other has strayed. It would be: “Work on the relationship or get out now.” Establish your boundaries.

If you are not positive that your evaluation is correct, then find ways to spice up the romance and rebuild the friendship. Develop humor even if it is from books, or the internet. Many a couple have cemented a disintegrating companionship into a delightful exciting honeymoon phase.

The attitude of “Get with it or get out of it” eliminates the malfunctioning and creates the constructive process towards a better you and more often than not, an improved happy couple.