August 7, 2015
Embarrassed
Years ago, my girlfriend found out soon after she married that her husband was wanted by the police because he was a con man. She wrote me that she was too embarrassed to tell anyone other than myself.

Clients come in and report years of abuse, even hospitalisations that they cover up because they do not want their friends and relatives to know as they feel they are a failure.

The only way that they were a failure was to cover up the misdeeds of their spouse. My girlfriend did not allow herself to be victimised. She immediately divorced the con man. My clients accepted the abuse and in that manner enabled the partner to continue unacceptable behavior.

My clients accepted the responsibility for the others actions because they thought of it as a partnership role in which they took not just one half of the blame but the entire culpability.

Where in the vows did it say: "I will abuse you in anyway I want for the duration of our lives?" Unless the vows stated such a promise, the clients did not agree to such a role. Therefore they are not liable for the others actions.

However, my clients, often, continue to stick to their feelings of feeling like a fool.

I have to remind them that their mate is not their child. They were not the parent and did not bring up this person. Therefore, they can not take the blame for poor parenting.

They did not contribute to that person's reactions. Somewhere, in the past the partner never learned self-control.

My clients have been blamed by the mate for accusing the victim for the outburst of anger. I have to remind them that each person is responsible for their own response to stimuli.

Other than a need for immediate self-defence, their is no excuse to become violent with any another individual. Humans can walk away until they can contain their emotions. People can go for counseling.

Medical problems might cause a person to overreact. In that case a specialist should be consulted and the problems resolved before there can be any further reactions with a private or public situation.

Counseling for anger management is definitely required. Counseling can help determine the issues and the resolutions to all of these situations.