September 5, 2017
Distrust


My clients accuse each other of lying, hiding the facts, not sharing, and being deceitful. Trust is gone and the maIn question is : "HOW DO I GET BACK THE TRUST THAT IS LOST?"

Why did the trust get lost in the first place? Is the complaint legitimate? Did your partner really do what you are accusing him/her of?

Obviously the accuser is certain of his/her facts. The accuser is hurt and not willing to listen to the complete history of what happened. If the accuser does listen, s/he is certain that the partner is lying because the perception is skewed as guilty. This is not a court of law and innocent until proven guilty beyond a shadow of a doubt seldom exists in the real world of relationships. However, one should assume innocence first and then collect the facts including the partner's account.

Generally my clients collect the data and present it certain they have all the facts. In many cases they are correct in their assumptions. Often, the underlying behavior lacks the degree of hurt or anger as much as the fact that there was not enough trust between the couple to state the truth before the action. Informing the partner after the fact does not count as being trustworthy.

So the original question: "HOW DO I GET BACK THE TRUST THAT IS LOST?" looms over the situation.

TRUST is a leap of faith. Without that faith the offended party lives in purgatory. The results are that the "victim" of sorts, loses weight, loses sleep and if that trust is not restored also loses his/her health. The victim goes on hyper alert-watching for another transgression. The stress compromises the body's immune system. Therefore the distrust for the victim causes more injury to him/her more often than the actual behavior.

For the above reasons it is the victim's best interest to decide whether they want to remain in this damaged relationship. Often, that decisions is already made when the couple seeks counseling. Therefore IF the victim has decided to remain and rebuild the relationship then it is better to give a leap of faith. However, with the proviso that IF there is another transgression that the relationship is permanently over. This is difficult for the victim, yet it is for the victim's sanity that it is necessary to have a new beginning.

As a beginning it is necessary to create shared mutual lines to which both parties agree on and adhere to.

Finding mutual acceptance of guidelines for behavior, morals, etc. can be a daunting task. Each party must delineate the parameters and the boundaries that they will not cross or have crossed. Truthfulness is a high priority here for if these concepts are not agreed upon, everything else will eventually fall apart.

Once that basic priority is accomplished the couple can continue on to discuss other goals, attitudes, behaviors and any unresolved issue.

Each issue should be explored and solved separately.

Part of the solutions can be compromises, taking turns with needs and wants and lastly creative decisions.

I am partial to the creative decisions for each person can get about 90% what they want and maintain harmony in the relationship.

Check my other articles that discuss solutions and solving problems.

However, in certain cases none of the above applies because (1) one person or both are unwilling to adapt, (2) mental or physical illness disallows the ability to adjust, (3) immaturity (4) game playing (5) not taking the partner seriously.