January 2001


Jay Leno, NBC's TV show host said, " A woman falls in love through her ears, A man falls in love through his eyes."

What makes it humorous is that it strikes a chord that connects with the male/female psyche. Men when courting "hear" what the damsel is saying and respond to it. The young women says."I love comic movies." Her lover takes her to a Live Comedy Shop. When he says, "I love you," the reference emotionally to it is that he backed it with a behavior that showed that he was listening. He asks her, "Is there anything I can do to help you?-with your homework, with your housework, with your career? " He is supportive. Females are emotional and they often vent with other wo men. During the courtship the man assumes that role: empathizing with her sadness, annoyances and frustrations. "Let me hold you. That was so wrong of them to do that..." Women HEAR these things.

Now they are married. They go to pick out a China set. Each examines the shelves to make a choice. The Groom tells the clerk, "We want that design over there in the three piece dinner set." It's wrapped.

On the way home, the bride says,"You didn't ask me what China set I wanted." The male hears dishes and thinks This is easy. I can solve this so he says, "We' ll take it back and exchange it for what you want."

"No I like it. You just didn't ask me if I liked it."
"Well. Do you like it?"
"Yes, but that isn't the issue. "
"There I asked you if you wanted it. Why is it still a problem.?" Turning the car in a U turn towards the store. "We'll take it back."
"But I like it!"
"You like it and I asked you if you like it so what do you want me to do?"
"I don't want you to do anything."

Now she retreats into silence. She is frustrated that she can not get across to her new mate that it is the process of equality not the item that is the problem. She is becoming angry and so is he. He is muttering obscenities under his breath because his emotions are similar, but he is not catching the need for a woman to hear, "I like this set. Do you? Great, then lets's get it." Soon after marriage this simple vital step is forgotten.

Now his bride had fixed her face, prepared her hairdo, put on a sexy outfit and was giving the male all the signals that he needs to be turned on by his eyes. He is amazed when he is rebuffed that night. In fact he can't understand the dynamics of the deteriorating relationship. He still feels attracted to her even thou gh he is angry, he is willing to forgive and forget all arguments at bedtime and never discuss them again. Wrong move again, the wife has not heard any sound arriving at her ears. She needs to hear, I"m sorry I excluded you from making the choice. In the future I'll make certain I check with you first. I guess I was lucky that you like the dinnerware. It would be terrible for you to eat off them every night and detest them. "

The issue needs to be made extremely clear. For example the woman should not mention the item at all. Instead she might state, "I want our marriage to be a partnership. Whenever we purchase anything that is mutually used by us, I would like it if you would request my opinion before the purchase is finalized, and I'll do the same."

Since the master has stopped listening, he'll probably need an example. If he has difficulty relating to the dish example, try a hypothesis, such as, "We are looking at new cars separately. I purchase one I like with our savings and present it to you. You like it. Now-do you have a problem with the fact that I did not check first to see if you agreed with my choice before I bought it?"