August 3,2001


This is the third column on the subject of Fear which causes the destruction of marital relationships. I suggest you save the Sound Observer so that you may refer to back issues for continuity.

Fear of losing something regardless of what it may be: a child's love, the love of a spouse, a job, money, etc., creates another phenomena. We humans try to Control our environment. Those who Fear that the child will not have a prosperous life, demand that s/he go into a profession which the parent believes is more lucrative and therefore, refuses to give financial/emotional support to the passion of the youth's career goals. This can be a misdirection that might effect the happiness and success of that student for the rest of his/her life.

Motivation should come from within. What happens when the parents are no longer there to direct and force maturity? Others who fear losing a mate will demand that the spouse account for every minute spent separately, or insist that the spouses clothes, hair style, or actions fit that of the demander. On the job, the Fear dominated person finds it difficult to adapt to a new boss or changing conditions so that their Fear becomes justified. S/he loses the position. Those who are so tight fisted with money often find themselves a very lonely Scrooge.

Fear creates panic. Panic precedes clinging obsessive behavior. Fear automatically eliminates the thought process. (If you have ever seen someone thrashing wildly because they don't know how to swim and nearly drowning the Lifeguard; sees panic in action). Fear takes over the Limbic (emotional thought center) and blots out the cerebellum unless the person trains him/herself to STOP. Then think. Then act.

The importance of those three imperatives become evident because when humans respond on the animalistic level they have the ability to badly injure their mate and at times murder them. Whether the hurt is physical or mental, the recipient frequently fights back returning hurt for hurt: angry words, put downs, slamming each other's families, striking, shoving and restraining. If your marriage is at any of these stages go for counseling.

Some individuals actually get lost in the maze of thinking. Their interpretation is not accurate because they do not have all the facts. We live in a complex society. We don't even realize how often we emulate our ancestors because most persons are far removed from their origins.

For example: I visited Ireland only to discover some of my father's idiosyncrasies stemmed from Ireland's unique perspective on life. They are not allowed to drink on Sunday, but you never turn a thirsty traveler away. Therefore, visiting a neighboring pub is the norm on Sunday. Dad was only one/half Irish and was the third generation removed from the mores, yet he twisted things to his own definition.

Studying our culture and all its variances is a lifetime occupation. That is why it is necessary to have specific professionals who can make sense out of all the different social situations, but also the psychological, physical, gender, genetic, and historical aspects that make up the human condition. The worst Fear is the one which paralyzes us from seeking guidance from experts who can make the muddy waters clear. Fortunately that Fear is nearly eradicated from Long Islanders. Men who in the 70's felt it was not manly to seek aid, are now more motivated than some of the women. This is progress.