February 9, 2010
February 9, 2010


“I think my spouse is having an affair” is a common complaint that as a counselor, I hear. It is not my position to determine if this statement is true or not. However, because the individual believes this statement to be correct the brain exudes neurotransmitters that create bodily reactions that may be felt as: tenseness, stomach distress, headaches, more circulation to the muscles and emotions that are felt as jealousy, abandonment, being unloved, distrust, caution, and various amounts of anger. The brain does not automatically filter out the truth of the matter, but responds physically and emotionally which also often destroys the accusers sense of self.

If the person continues to believe his/her statement, whether it is true or not, the brain will continue to be in a state of caution with each remembrance and continue to activate stress hormones creating a feeling of misery.

When the individual presents this “discovery” to his/her partner and is greeted by derision such as: ”You did worse.” “I can’t believe you are saying this.” “I did not do anything against the marital vows.” The partner who feels victimized, experiences more victimization. The implication to that partner is: “You have no right to feel the way you do.” which is often followed by “You must have a hidden agenda.” When there is no truth to the accusation the hurt feelings of the accused interfere with helping the accuser get past her/his hurt. Both parties are not understanding where the other party is coming from.

In order to accomplish what I have outlined here in this article go to “The Brain 8/13/2009”, “Misunderstood Brain 1/21/2009”. “Behavior Feeling Effect 3/27/09”. and Transactional Analysis discussed in the article “The Child Within 2/18/2005. These articles will help you to understand the skills that are needed to create good communication.